The Mother-in-law Situation: Monster or Mother?

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In all my life of dating and relationships, I  had never a mother-in-law who never liked me or who give me a hard time. Even now that I am married, my mother-in-law and I get along just fine, but I have heard some stories about the effects of the mother-in-law. There are some mother-in-laws who cannot let go of their ADULT child, they do not respect his/her choice and their main objective is to exercise all authority in ensuring the relationship ends. 

I remember saying to my husband when he was taking me home for the first time, if your mother doesn't like me, that's it. It might have sounded like a joke, but I was pretty serious. I had no intention of spending my life battling no mother-in-law and given that my husband is an only male, that would have been a serious battle. Now you may say, once the son loves you, then what it has to do with the mother-in-law, and I will say plenty, for I have heard about mother-in-laws who destroyed relationships and marriages. Sadly, the love from the son/daughter for you is not enough, for he is torn between his love for you (who just came on the scene) and the mother (who was there from his birth). It takes a strong, JUST, seriously in love and committed man/woman to look their mother right in their eyes and say "Mom, can you give us a chance to work this out by ourselves or I'll appreciate it if you would keep out of our marriage or you need to respect my wife/husband and our relationship even though you do not like her/him..." In fact, I think a woman quicker use those words to their mother, than a son.

Now my question to you is do you think you should get involve with a son even though his mother does not like you? How would you deal with a mother-in-law who doesn't like you? Do you see the relationship between a wife and her mother-in-law as important? And finally how should you treat a mother-in-law who does not like or even respect you? It would be nice if we can get some points as to the way forward in terrible relationships with mother-in-law.

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Should I get married?

It is the dream of many that one day, they will get married. Some persons even have the age by which they should get married and have kids. It is also the dream, hope or expectation of many that their marriage will last. However, in today's modern society, two things are obvious: a lot of women who wants to get married are yet to realise this dream and the percentage of persons divorcing, especially within the church is increasing considerably. As a result the question of many is, Should I get married? In order to get a lasting marriage, there are certain things to consider.

1. Why do you want to get married? This is a very important question because so often people go into marriage with just the idea of marriage, but not the understanding of marriage. So the spouse is rich, high society, come from a good family and that is how I see my life...with a rich man/woman who has a name that the world will say ...wow she married a ... etc For some it is based on age. I cannot wait no longer I want to get married and so without considering all the other factors they rush for the ring. Others consider the time they are together and no marriage hasn't bee called. Can you believe we together 5 years and nothing, is what he waiting for and before you know it the man feels pressured into marriage. Now this by itself is a blog so can go on to much here. Some look at all their friends get married and married out of envy...'I want to get married to.' Some it is simply to have legal sex. They do not want to fornicate. Now I am not saying that this cannot be in the reasons for getting married but it cannot be the only reason or you should not feel pressured into marriage only for this. 
2. Do we love each other? So often persons still equate love with 'butterflies in stomach' or attraction. Should you get married and an accident cause your spouse face to burn would you still love her/him and cherish her/him? When you think of him/her, do you think more of giving than receiving? What defines your love? If at every corner you are seeing the physical and tangible things, something is wrong. 1 Corinthians 13 gives some good characteristics of what love is and when the word long suffering is mentioned, it is no lie. Look up and study the meaning of the word and then ask yourself, Do I love him/her?
3. Are we committed to each other? Right at the top with love is commitment. Many persons claim to love, but cannot commit. I think that is the reason why sometimes people cheat on their spouses but at the end of the day, they would not leave their wife/husband to go with the matey. They love but are not committed (although this is debatable). When you are thinking about marriage, it should not only be about whether or not you are committed, but if both of you are committed to each other. How do you know? Well this might very well be dependent on your experience with your spouse and there is no clear cut way of knowing, but if he has cheated or there are many rumours of cheating, watch yourself. Be vigilant and open when deciding to continue in this relationship to marriage or end it now?
4. Is there anything I am afraid to say/ask now and is waiting after marriage to say? In thinking about getting married, this is of great importance. Ask and say all the things before and get the reaction/answers. Do not hold back things because you fear he/she will break up with you and you think that after the marriage he would not. NONSENCE! If he doesn't break up with you after you say whatever after marriage, and it was something serious that might have caused a break-up prior to marriage, then your marriage might just move from heaven to hell.
5. How do we treat each other now? Somehow in relationships, persons put up things for when they get married. That is why so often you hear, this person change etc. The way you behave in your girlfriend/boyfriend relationship should be no different in your marriage, if anything it should get better. The question is therefore, what is the relationship like now, how do you deal with issues, do your argue a lot and use abusive words towards each other, are you CONTENT with each other? Do we compromise, who compromises the most and why, am I willing to live like that.

Nature Lover: Natural Therapy for All

Maybe it is because I am a Geographer, but there is something about landscapes; mountains, hills and valleys, beaches and oceans that just make me happy and satisfy with simply living. I visited the community of Fancy in St.Vincent and the Grenadines recently to conduct some field research and though it was tiresome going to different households, the best part was photographing different aspects of the landscape even those unrelated to my research.

Sunset (Fancy)

Coconut palms waving in the breeze, with the rushing oceans beneath, during the day, then as the evening sun sets there was a splendour of colours and I fell in love with the beauty. How can I live outside of the Caribbean, I thought, and should I leave for work, how long can I stay away? Cascading mountains with its green lush vegetation, mangoes and oranges, avocados and sweet potatoes...yes country life, real sweet. I remember my childhood running up and down hills, climbing plumrose and plum trees and where I can't climb, I ask people to throw down one for me. The years I'll never trade even though my childhood was never perfect. Those days I pay little attention to the beauty of the hillside and the moutains, but I knew without them I could not have looked back today and say what a wonderful childhood I had.

Owia mountain view

Then I travel back to Owia, just before Fancy  just for a day and I felt free; free from the hustle and bustle of city life, free from work, free my problems and burdens. The man who farm impressed me because it was he who climbed the mountains and hills daily and push his fingers through the dirt that produce the fruits and other food I eat. It was him who sat on the mountain top and can look down on the village and enjoy the view or take in the fresh breeze that is so much different than when you are at the bottom. I went to the Salt Pond and I was alone and I was happy. I took pictures of the fishes in the pond, the birds that flew, the water beating on the rocks and again the mountains that surround it. So I bathe in the pond and from the pond I went to the river and bathe as if I was reliving my childhood and for those moments spent in the country side I was happy. I am a nature lover. 

Owia Saltpond

 Maybe you never take time out before just to enjoy what is around you. Take a look and free your mind of all your thoughts and emotions, think only of enjoying what is before you, Breathe slowly and deeply, Smell the flower, Concentrate on the landscape...Don't you feel the difference? Just as the birds of the air do not worry about tomorrow, what they should eat etc, Why should you? Pay attention to the natural therapy offered by what is around you.

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Reminiscing

Yesterday, in searching for a book, I found a package with post cards and letters, which my mom kept neatly in a folder. They were addressed to me and came from family, pen pals, past boyfriends, admirers and close friends. As I sat on my bed going through each of them, I was taken down memory lane to:

• The boyfriend who thought he loved me more than words can say and gifted me with post cards whose words seemed so limited that it had to be filled with his own flattery words addressed to me. The boyfriend, who is no longer in my life and though we still talk from time to time, we have grown so far apart, it is as if those moments never existed.
• Then there was a poem from someone I dated. I read it through, very powerful words even today from someone who is very intelligent and intuitive. The poem called the journey spoke of before he met me, before I knew he loved me and what might be in the future. A poem that took two pages but maintained its rhythm and rhymes. I smiled while I read it. Once upon there was a guy who loved me, whose love I did not return and should I do it again, we will walk the same path, but I cannot denied how that poem touched me, ohhh the power of words that are beautifully put together.
• My Trinidadian penpal whom I met on a Youthfest camp some years ago. Where was he now, What is he doing I wondered as I went through the many cards and letters. We wrote each other for a little and then it all stopped. I could not remember when or where, but for that moment I wish I knew; I wish I knew where he was, what he was doing and if he remembers me. So I searched on facebook for his Indian name, but sadly he was not apart of the network. His letters had no return addresses and I did not remember where I had written his address years ago when I met him. Yesterday, I wished the cord was never broken.
• Finally and most touching was a letter from my friend, my best friend...We had connected so much and cared for each other so much but then he went to study and I did not know today would come. I read his letter in which he wrote his name in Chinese :) I read as we both thought we would have talked regularly and would never lost our closeness. Yet today, marks several years since I have seen him and hugged him. We were not apart of each other's weddings, neither have we met each other's spouse. Years have come between us and although we talk from time to time, we cannot deny that time has changed us both and has shaken our friendship. Still we look forward to the day, when again we would see, maybe with our kids, maybe without, but it would be a real blessing to me.

So I know that I am not alone with the cards and the letters or love poems, nor am I alone with the friendships that were weakened along life's journey, but I am thankful that in the moments of goodness we had taken the time out to send a card or to write a letter. Should I look back, I can see only the good times through these tools and the persons who have touched my life in one way or the other. In spite of the extensiveness of technology around us, never fail to touch someone else's life with a card, a poem or a letter.

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7 Ways of Overcoming the soft spot for your Ex

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People break up in many different ways and rarely does the two partners come together and say this is not working for these reasons, let us just try to be friends. Often break ups are ended by one person and leave the other person feeling hurt, although at times the same person who ends the relationship can also be the same one being hurt (Example, breaking off a relationship with a cheater). In extreme cases, persons have committed suicide because of the ending of their relationship. 

While some persons move on with their lives without looking back after a break up, there are some who remain single and are fearful of getting into another relationship and others who have moved on but still are hang up on their ex. Many times you might hear about persons who have break-up several times in one relationship. While in some cases, this is due to a hasty decision, in lot of the cases it is because of the SOFT SPOT that we cannot get pass. How can you get over that soft spot for your ex?

1. TREAT HIM LIKE AN EX. Do not maintain a friendship. The only conversation that you should have is Hi and byes. Don't ever tell yourself you can handle a friendship once you still have feelings for him.
2. No social dating. So often you hear, lets have a drink, it's only a movie etc Any contact that goes beyond the single word hi/hello should be avoided
3. Erase the telephone number from your phone and if possible your mind. Do no accept any calls from him and avoid calling him.
4. Occupy yourself with positive actions and positive thinking. Try not to be idle as these provide spaces for a walk down memory lane that often relates to the GOOD TIMES. But if you should walk down memory lane, REMEMBER WHY HE BROKE YOUR HEART AND HOW HE DID IT. This ought to get you back on track. Remember also it might very well be you left him  and if that is the case ponder on those reasons. DO NOT FORGET WHY HE BECAME YOUR EX.
5. Love up yourself. This may include pampering, dressing up and dating yourself, taking a vacation. While doing these things, ponder on this....Don't you deserve better? At times the relationship ends and it takes a while to get over, but when you do get over and in some cases find a better man, you asked yourself "What was I thinking?" A man who breaks your heart do not deserve you. 
6. Do not surround yourself with persons who constantly bring him up in conversations and avoid all conversations about him unless they are geared towards helping you to move on. Hearing about how good he looks, who he is dating now, the good times you use to have will clearly not be helping you.
7. SHOW HIM THAT YOU HAVE MOVED ON AND CLEARLY GET OVER HIM. Too often persons break up and still get excited when they are being called or approached by their exes. You making him feel like he is high and mighty will have him tagging you along for free sex. When you walk the street:

• Dress good. You never know when you'll meet him up or if he'll see you. 
• Walk with confidence. If he sees you even without you seeing him, he must see that you are a strong, confident and independent woman who have moved on. Hold your head high
• Carry a happy face even when your heart is pounding. Smiles and laughter do wonders.
• It is not necessary to pass him straight unless it works best for you. If you should pass him, say hi, but not like if you had a past, but rather like if their is a present and a future that only sees him like your ordinary friend who never touched you. Do NOT stop for a conversation. He would only be trying to feel you out and if you are just practising these methods to get over him, he'll catch you, especially if you are one that easily blush when he compliments you. 

Good Luck :)

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Wisdom in Relationship Conversation: 7 REASONS

It is very important that we exercise wisdom in seeking counsel about our relationship. Watch who you talk to. It is not everybody you grow up with or spend a lot of time with, you should talk to about your man. Even if the person is your friend for years. Here are the reasons why:

1. Relationship advice is a serious matter. It may mean the end of the relationship or the betterment of the relationship. If you trust someone to discuss your relationship with them, it means that you might just accept their advice which can be good or bad.
2. Not everyone wants the best for you. Some persons are quick to hear and quick to speak, not only to you, but the many others whom you might not even want to know your business. There are people who pretend that they want to help, when their only interest is gossip. Your business might just spread like wildfire and force a termination on a relationship that might have otherwise survive.
3. You can tarnish the reputation of your spouse and this is very serious especially with Christian couples. If you accuse your spouse of things such as cheating based on suspicions and you discuss this with somebody else, they do not need the evidence. All they need is the suspicion and before you know it, this is what will spread, "you see he playing Christian, he butting/bunning/cheating on his wife." I do not need to tell you how far that can reach. Be very careful who you talk to.
4. The persons with whom we discuss our business with, most times are not trained counselors. Their advice may just be based on their personal experiences and not the facts you have presented to them. If they feel all men are bad/cheaters, then the very essence of their advice will be centred around that. You may hear things like 'girl you can't trust man, I told you so, It is so men stop, They eyes long..."
5. You might not be ready to hear someone take the other party's side. You discussing your relationship does not mean you are right. After presenting the facts, the person from whom you are seeking the advice might just say YOU ARE WRONG. Are you ready to accept that?
6. Sometimes we choose to discuss relationship with certain people without thinking. I do not believe in seeking advice from your own family members about your relationships unless you have proven in the past that they tend to be fair. Again WISDOM. There are certain family members who even if you are dead wrong as we usually say, would not admit that to you. They might instead assist you in cursing or running the man and in extreme cases, beating him.
7. There are some persons out there who are waiting to see your relationship end, believe it or not. They might be your friends and the one who will give you the shoulder to cry on with a smirk on their faces. The same person who told you to dump the man, might just be the one who pick him up and laugh at you. Have you seen relationships where one friend left a guy and the other friend pick him up even though they were close? Don't you think at some point those two friends discussed the man?

Use wisdom in discussing your relationship with others especially if you are aiming for your relationship to last forever. If you are married, it is best you seek professional advice. If  you just need someone to talk to, be very careful who you choose, what you share and how much you share.

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My Wedding Day

At the reception

I was asked several times prior to our wedding and even while I was dressing on the day if I was nervous, but where was nervousness I did not. I even asked my husband if he was, every time the question was posed to me, but he wasn't either. We started to analyse the situation because nervousness seemed to be pretty normal at weddings. Could it be because we were busy planning? And then I thought, I was marrying my best friend, the person with whom I spent most of my days talking to and laughing with. For the first time in my relationships, I can be exactly who I was with no fear or favour and I was confident that this was what he fell in love with...Me! Was he the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...ABSOLUTELY! So why get nervous? 

So on the day, I thought of looking great for my husband and taking his breath away in the dress he had never seen. I felt I had done justice to myself with the assistance of my make-up artist, hair dresser and nail technician. This was it. I was walking to the altar to cleave to the man that had made me happy over the past years, with no regrets, no uncertainty, no doubts. I fixed my eyes on him. Were there any other persons in the room? Of course, but I did not look to the right or to the left, for my husband to be was at the altar looking back at me and I smiled. He looked great and he smiled as he hugged my mom and took me away.

The day progress just as I as I would have loved it too, with smiles not only on our faces, but the rest of the bridal party and the attendees. He took care of me, holding my dress, helping me get seated and it was not new to him because he was always quick to observe when something was out of place on me and fixed it and I loved him for that, as he didn't have eyes only for himself, but his girlfriend who was now his wife. Thanks to the MC, our reception was filled with laughters and cheers and my only regret was that there wasn't enough time for everyone to get up and spend sometime dancing. But my husband and I danced, to a mixture of songs we chose, but never get to practise too :) From the song Santa Maria, though we free style what should have been a tango, to several other songs we dance in the most exciting way, as if it was only the two of us in the room. 

I remembered when my husband proposed, he stated that I came to Jamaica and stole his heart, but I failed to tell him that in touching his, mine was also captured. Would I do it again? Only if it is to the same man, the one who still have me today wondering if I am in a dream. 

Dedicated to Rahsaan Smith. May the Lord to bless us and keep us and cause his face to shine upon us. May he lift up his countenance upon us and give us peace always.

NO WHERE TO SIT IN KINGSTOWN!!!

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I love my island very much, but sometimes I wonder what the developers and urban planners are thinking? It seems as if the need for public spaces are not high on the agenda. Instead the little spaces that were once used are secured from the public. Have you gone to Kingstown lately and did some shopping? Where did you sit when you get tired? I guess you might have done like me and go to a restaurant, buy something to eat or drink and sit a little or go into a shoe store, sit and try on shoes until your back is well rested.

Outside of shopping, where in Kingstown can you sit and relax with your friends? I use to sit at the Old Carnegie Public Library, but I have noticed that it is properly secured from the public so that no one can get in there to sit. Maybe it is because it is viewed as a heritage site, but excluding the public in this way...I do not agree. Now Bank of St.Vincent, the new building off heritage square, placed a few benches in its vicinity, but when the bank closed the security personnel would be sure to inform you that if you are not using the ATM you cannot sit there. I have had my experience. It would be real nice if the capital, the busiest area on the island during the week, have some seats that persons can just relax from time to time. The situation is terrible. Is it an issue with finding space or improper planning? I wonder if the situation is the same with other small islands. 




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Dj Nicholas - Back To The Owner

SEASONAL CHRISTIANS: Is this about you?

This weekend is a long weekend in St.Vincent and the Grenadines because of our Carnival activities, a huge part of our Vincentian cultural activities and I respect it as such, but as a Christian, I have chosen to live a different lifestyle and so I do not attend carnival. Even the non-Christians will call me a hypocrite and lose respect for me if they see me at carnival because as far as they are concern, Christians should not be there.

Now over the years, it would seem as if the churches within my island have what I would call Seasonal Christians. During Carnival season, the church gets very scanty and at Old Years or New Years Eve (the night before the new year), you cannot find empty seats in the church and even the faithful ones have to give up their seats at times to accommodate the crowd. This crowd will be maintained until the early part of the year until close to another big activity like carnival. What is happening? Why is this so?

Now I know that St.Vincent is generally a quiet island, with little to no activities. I know many times we as Christians cry out for places to go and just have some fun, apart from beaches and gardens. So maybe, when these activities come up and the island becomes busy and excited and I would even add wild-up, as it  feels that way sometimes, Christians lose their way. Excuses are being made to go to the festival. Some says they are young and needs to enjoy life, others say they are only watching and what is wrong with that, while some states it is our culture. If you are on the right track, there would be no need to give excuses and moreover if you read the bible, you would realise all you have are EXCUSES. Even if you have rest your bible aside, then all you need to do is listen to the unsave. I am sure they will tell you, if not at that point, then right after the carnival when you feel the need to confess your sins and ask for forgiveness. Many times we point finger and say Judge not, but I can say this to you, if you continuously live a wayward life (in church today, out tomorrow), then your evangelism, a very important part of your Christian life, weakens.

I have friend/family who comes and want to go to the festival, I let them know that I would not be able to accomodate them with such. You know what I am doing...I am making a Stand! I am not perfect and I love my music. I loved my carnival and I love to dance, but also I love my Jesus and I prefer to stay on the outside and fight the battle of the fleshly desire, than to be a Christian only when it suits me.

Where do you stand? Be careful of the choices you make this weekend, it might just be your last. 

Addressing Hollywood: All the money, but little happiness

There is a saying that money does not bring you happiness and it is so true when we look at Hollywood actors and actresses. I am always saddened when I look at the faces of young actors, who are now grown up, but are said to be on drugs or have at some point attempted suicide. I asked myself, why are they like this? These persons spend a lot on therapy also and so my next question is, apart from  the high cost, what is the therapy doing? 

When I look at child stars, many of whom are home-schooled and have to be travelling vastly across the planet to be apart of various movies, how are their childhood develop? Most of them are children of other famous people, so do they really need to spoil their childhood to the degree that they do, spending more time ACTING than being real, finding who they are? How do they develop their true personality? Is that what the therapy is for? I have so many questions because although I am not rich, when I look back at my childhood I was very happy  amidst the poverty. I had fun playing dolly house, hop scotch, gun shooting and other games with OTHER KIDS. So sometimes I wonder, is the effect of acting throughout their lives resulted in them becoming adult before their times and for that reason most of them turn to drugs? Even some of the older actors cannot bear the pressures of their careers and other aspects of their lives as controlled by fame and wealth, it would seem. How much more the children whose childhood is lost in it?

Sometimes, these stars appear like caged chickens locked up in the world of acting, taking on different identities and when they are given a break to be them, they do not know how and like escape chickens, they indulge in parties and drugs in an effort not to think about their own lives, a live they cannot understand, a real identity they cannot find. Sometimes, many of us yearn to be in Hollywood, to become a part of the world of wealth and fame, but can we handle it? I believe that depending on the age that we start it, it may become easier, but with fame and wealth comes other issues. Look at how quick some marry and divorce. It would appear that only a few marry out of love and most is for convenience including publicity, therefore eroding the very covenant of marriage. I often wonder what it is like to be apart of Hollywood, not knowing who your true friends are, who are willing to stand with you if today you lost all your wealth, who are simply acting in your lives...you cannot walk the street freely without having some paparazzi with their cameras on you, little to no privacy even in your homes. Wow! And your children are exposed to it too. 

I watch a lot of movies so this blog is in no way saying to stop acting, but if I should advice, I would say to the parents of the kids, choose for them to be children over them being workers, because that is what they are when they begin acting. There time on the set should never hinder them from enjoying the freedom and happiness of simply being a child. To the adults, take a break. Paparazzi often find you because it seems that your every travel at time is an announcement and you have to go to a country or island known to have famous people. Take a vacation to a quiet little island like St.Vincent and the Grenadines and come alone with a small amount of spending money and leave your wealth at home. Come sit on a big stone at the river side and breathe  in some fresh hillside air. Take some of the money you pay to your therapist and visit my island to do the things that you hardly ever get to do.

The Marriage Syndrome

I saw an image on facebook recently with the words of Albert Einstein stating "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.". It is something that I thought about many years ago before I got married and something I have observed in many relationships. You may not agree with me, but I would love to hear your opinion at the end.  

I have heard several men complained that their wives have changed and not for the best and also within a short space of time in their marriages. In what ways have they changed is normally my question? Somehow it is always related to their expectations of their MARRIED husbands and his failure to meet these expectations. Somehow they wanted their husbands to change from being a single man to a married man and they get upset and began NAGGING when their expectations are not met. Now before I got married, I looked at my husband and I knew he would make me happy and my only request was that he does not change and if he does let it be for the better and if it is not, let me at least enjoy some solid years in my marriage before any negative change come along :). Anyway, my question is, should there be a difference between the man you married when he moves from being unmarried to married? Should he stop liming or cut out his female friends and start acting like a married man, if you married him like that and if so why? 

Now I believe that if you have a single man who have a lot of female friends, love to lime and you married him, adding a ring does not automatically change his behaviour. A ring is just a ring...it is not a piece of magically equipment that transforms people. For that reason, I believe that before you get married, discuss the various things that you are not pleased with or would not be able to live with and see if there is any willingness to change or to compromise. Do not fear losing the man and force yourself to accept the things you do not like and after you got married and figure somehow he cannot leave you, you start to nag him about the things you were seeing all along. If it is the opposite and you never see these things and he changed on you, then I believe it give you some sort of grounds, but if you saw it before, isn't you acceptance of his proposal and going through with the marriage saying that you are in love with this person as he is and willing to live with him as such? Do not take anything for granted. There are too many divorces these days and the basis of these divorces sometimes is weird because you knew before you got married that the person was like that. 

If a man marry you and he never heard you complained about his behaviour before and now that you got married, you start complaining about the very things he was doing that you had no problem with, what is he to think and how is he to feel, especially under nagging? Ending it with "you are married now", what does that mean? A ring does not give power to neither man or woman, but as women we sometimes act as if it does and start demanding and in some cases commanding things and before we know it, we are divorced. My advice would remain, be careful whom you choose to be in your life and request your changes prior to the wedding (TALK) so that at least you can say after you are married that he knew you did not like this/that. As you go on in the marriage, things will come up that both of you might be expected to compromise with, but forcing changes on certain things that you were aware of prior to your marriage might just lead to divorce.