How to please your wives?

It is generally felt that  men cannot understand women. It is argued that we are complex, we drop hints instead of just saying what is on our minds and that we have terrible mood swings. All these I believe are quite true because I have met and spoken to women who, even I find hard to understand. I however wish to address the things that men can do to please us.

There are some men out there who are complicated by their own laziness. They do not even try or want to so that even if we plaster what we want on our faces, they will still ignore it because they lack the desire to please. The saddest part of any marriage is when one partner is working very hard for the betterment of their marriage and the other one is just laid back and believe that bringing in the money is enough. Some of the upsetting statements they can make during this time are, 'You should be happy', 'Some women/men well want what you have'. Truly, there are women/men out there who always desire what you have without really taking the time out to examine it. All that glitters is not gold.

So men, if you want to please us and have a happy marriage, here are just a few pointers on the things that makes us happy:

• Help with the kids- No one can truly understand how burdensome raising children is until you have. It has nothing to do with the love for your kids. In fact, you love them to death, but it is not easy. Raising a child is a two parent job so when all the responsibility falls on only one parent,  that parent may become highly frustrated if they cannot find time for themselves. I only have one child whom I love dearly and after I left work tired, I still have to give her mommy time and I am super grateful to my good husband who helps out tremendously. There are times when she only wants me and I have things to do or I just need a little breather. Do you know where I escape to? The bathroom, and I have to lock the door, but even there, I cannot escape because she will find me and knocked the door while shouting mommy until I open it. Again, I only have one child. Yet, my date life is practical nil because family is not close and money not 'tun up' to allow me to hire a baby sitter in the night when I am already paying for one in the day. So again, men you need to recognize this and help out.
• Dates and surprises do not end with marriage- It is very hard if, during courting, you use to go out pretty often or often enough to feel satisfy, but then you get married and it cuts down a little, then there and kids and everything ends to the point that sometimes even your anniversary is forgotten. There are some men who becomes so caught up in career and education that they forget they have a wife at home and they seemingly believe that their wife should only find happiness in the lovely home that they have provided with the lovely kids that they have given. They no longer take you out nor do they attempt to plan a little surprise. Instead, they work long hours, come home expecting food and sex and think that all is well. Wake up! Time to spice up the marriage.
• Help out with the domestic chores. Now some men believe that the wife's role is in the home. Maybe this was so in traditional times, but time has changed. The little pocket money some jobs give as salary cannot pay bills and take care of the home, so it needs pocket money from two persons to run things. In other words, both the husband and wife are working and so when you come home tired, do not assume that your wife has done less work at her job and so can take on another. Pull your weight. If I am cooking, maybe you can help prepared the juice or the vegetables or bathe the kids. Why should a woman finish cooking, share the dinner for you and still have to get the kids ready for bed? In addition to this, you know how hard wrenching it is for a woman to be at work all day return to her home and the husband who was home all day, did not pick up a broom or put on a pot. Now we ladies know that if we have a day off, we are not only cooking, but cleaning and washing on top of that. Sometimes, there is not even any time to sit down and watch a movie, because we just cannot sit in a dirty home, but a man can be home all day and all he needs is a remote, sports channels and some dry food. Another little thing I appreciate about my husband, is if he is home, even if he does not cook, he might have folded the clothes and clean the house and he does cook at times. It is those little things that please us. 
• Compliment us and say little words of appreciation from time to time- We are not asking you to habitually say I love you so much so that it comes like a ritual, but from time to time say something positive. Sometimes, you may look at a man and he appears to be aging like fine wine, while we are struggling with body images especially after giving birth. Fat might be poking out from places that were once slender and smooth. This by itself might not be such a big deal, but when coupled with not going out, working in a job and at home, having a husband who is hardly home and seem not to appreciate all you do, then that is grievous.
• Listen and Act- I leave this one for last because I know there are many wives who are very strong willed and super argumentative and do not listen, but we have men who also do not listen. They may act as if you have nothing of worth to say and may even use the fact that you are strong willed as their defense. I always say to people that my husband has the final say, but I also appreciate the fact that the final say at times end with him agreeing with me because he listens to reason. He does not make any decision without including me. We will discuss and at the end, he makes a  reasonable decision. When a man does not listen and his wife has no input in any decision, it is as if you do not have any worth beyond a certain point.

Let me end by saying, there is a difference between contentment and happiness even though they are times used synonymously. I however see contentment as being satisfied and believe that you can be satisfied with your life, maybe because you have wonderful children, a nice home and your bills are paid, but unhappy because you are still lonely within your marriage, you feel as if you are just going through the motions and you think you have missed out or are missing out on the finer things in life. Notwithstanding, there are times when the husband has nothing to do with how a wife may feel and cannot stop them if they want a divorce. However, husbands where you can do more, do it. A simple question that you can ask yourself, as corny as it is, what if the shoes were on the other feet, how would I feel? In other words, put yourself in your wife's shoes. 

The Chris Gayle Saga: Identifying the deeper Issues

Hot on the social media sites is the whole of issue on Chris Gayle making what was deemed as 'inappropriate' and 'unprofessional' when he made a pass at the interview by asking her on a date. I viewed several media clips and I  too must agree that there is a time and place for everything and Chris Gayle, that was not the time nor the place. When I first visited Jamaica, I was a bit appalled by the forwardness of the men, overtime I understood that it was a part of their culture. There was no need to get offended by the 'babes' and 'honey' because that is how some Jamaican men speak to ladies, but regardless, these men need to understand ALL are not Jamaican and what appears normal for you, can be deemed quite distasteful and rude by others. Still, what got me is the comments following many of the videos on the social media sites and also some of the statuses, which in some cases, I found appalling. Let me briefly highlight and expand on a few:

1. The differing opinions of the men versus the women- When I reviewed some of the comments made by men versus the women, I was a bit shocked that while some men could have said that Chris, you are wrong. You have to learn the definitions of the when and the where, there were some women out there wondering what Chris Gayle did wrong. They did not see anything wrong with it at all. They missed the point completely. People it is not about whether he chose to ask an attractive reporter out, but when/where he chose to do it.

One woman stated that 'they' (I guess referring to the public) are behaving like if he committed a crime. I am hoping that she does not mean that something like this should not be a 'big deal' and should be swept under the carpet. Clearly, it is a big deal because of the international platform where our Jamaican brother, who is quite aware that there are many negatives things out there about Jamaicans and Jamaican men that we really do not want to add. Surely, Chris Gayle knows that his good looks and international record does not give him a free pass to ask out any woman he feels like, whenever he feels like it and where ever he feels like it. Surely he knows that if someone of his status can do something like this, it is going to look bad on all Jamaican men because that is what people do, they brand a country and its people by the acts of one. Sad, but true and instead of saying, who gives a darm, let us gives a darm when it matters.

Other women commented, some with expletives, about it being a joke and also how much of a hero Chris Gayle would have looked like if he was a 'batty' man. Apparently, if he was a homosexual and make a pass at the reporter, he would have been a hero. To this, I say, when you look at a video and read other people's comments and you are about to write one that will simply highlight your stupidity, shut up. Old people say what is joke fi pickney ah death fi crapo. You run jokes with your friends, your brethren, people that you know can take it and smile... if it is a joke that is. You do not run joke on public television with a stranger. And about the homosexual comment...really!

2. My second point has to do with the whole empowering of women that has been used in statuses relating to the Chris Gayle's behaviour and I agree, women need to be empowered, but I think these days  we are so much focus on the women that we forget our males. As I stated in an earlier blog, " A call for Male Empowerment", we are moving from one extreme to the next. We are forgetting our males. Now, I listened to the response of the reporter to the Chris Gayle's situation and she handled it well and seems very empowered. At the end, she stated she just wanted to move on. Yes, she appears somewhat uncomfortable when Chris Gayle made the statement, maybe more so out of shock and also having to maintain her temperament on public television. Who needs empowerment to me were the women who were agreeing with Chris Gayle's behaviour and found absolutely nothing wrong with it. Conversely, I am calling for some focus on our males. Let when gender is mentioned, we do not just simply think about women even though there is a recognition that we still have a long way to go as it relates to gender balance. Our young males lack proper role models and when they grew up to act in certain ways, we deal with it in a closet as if it has to do simply with the individual, in this case Chris Gayle and what he has said. I do think there are wider societal issues that we are missing. The lack of proper male heads in the home, the high crime rate with men leading, the high male prison population, the ratio of males to females at the tertiary levels, the number of males drop out at the secondary level... It seems to me that our young males need some form of empowerment, role models, mentorship etc Someone needs to teach them how to approach women, timing and how to deliver the few love words, the little courtesies that one should consider rendering and so on.

There are many things that have been said and can be said about the Chris Gayle's saga. In fact, the situation has made him quite 'famous' and may remained that way in the next few days, but then it will pass as have other things. Let us not forget, in that passing wave, the underlying societal issues that may give rise to this form of behaviour. Let us remember our males.

Talk to Jazzy: DOWNTOWN KINGSTON: THE REAL JAMAICAN EXPERIENCE

Talk to Jazzy: DOWNTOWN KINGSTON: THE REAL JAMAICAN EXPERIENCE: I often say to people that you have not really visited Jamaica unless you have gone to down town Kingston and I am sticking to my words. ...

DOWNTOWN KINGSTON: THE REAL JAMAICAN EXPERIENCE

I often say to people that you have not really visited Jamaica unless you have gone to down town Kingston and I am sticking to my words.


When I first visited Jamaica as a student, there were several places that were mentioned in a bleak, dark way because of the crime rate. Downtown Kingston was one. While some persons just asked that you be cautious and vigilant, others rake fear into you as if it something bad always happened there. So when I visited downtown for the first time, I was quite nervous and anxious. I jumped in fear if someone brushed passed me and I tried earnestly to shop very quickly and get out. Two more visits in the bargaining center of Jamaica finally led to a different conclusion. Downtown Kingston has a culture of its own and to me, it is a true representation of the heart of the Jamaican people.

I visited downtown almost every other Saturday for the last 3 years and I enjoyed every experience. The sales are quite good, although quite recently, possibly due to the increase traffic and comfort of persons in downtown, prices have been on the rise or can be described as quite similar to uptown. Still, there are bargains to be had on the streets and even in the stores. Sellers are prepared to give you a discount and to add a little 'brawta' to products that you may buy whether onions, oranges, potatoes etc. Downtown Kingston is indeed one of my favourite places in Jamaica and it is not because I love drama.  I simply love the atmosphere and the culture of the people. Jamaicans know how to hustle and they are not lazy. The streets of downtown will, on a Saturday, be lined with males, females and children just selling clothes and shoes. They will clap their hands, jumped and shout the prices at you as you pass. The atmosphere is filled with shouts of 'undred dollar, come get yo look good pants, sale out etc etc. Stores compete with each other with music and DJs announcing bargains and I just simply love their spiritedness of the people. Downtown has a culture of its own which I truly appreciate. So when my brother visited me recently, I had to take him to downtown Kingston because to me, it is a true depiction of the Jamaican people and their culture. His response was, 'Now this feels like Jamaica'.

Downtown is where you see the strength and joy of the Jamaican people in the midst of their struggles. It is clear that life is quite hard as persons travel on foot with their clothes or use hand carts to go around the town and sell.


Persons sell just about every and anything and do it with great pleasure. Men selling panties and shoes, some selling bag juice, make-up, soap powder, colgate etc and not in any large amount. Often times, you will meet persons only selling one type of item.


These vendors also have to contend with issues relating to use of space. While they wish to sell their goods where the pedestrian traffic is high in areas such as Beckford Street, and will often spread blue tampoline  and lay their items on top, this is an illegal practice and often times they have to take speed when police approaches to avoid losing their goods.


The best vendors are in downtown. You may enter a store and cannot leave without buying something because the persons are willing to drop the price or are just simply good at convincing you to get an item. Sometimes you are walking the street and can only glimpse the goods quickly to prevent them from drawing you in with "Me nar charge yo fi look" because if you get closer to properly examine their items, they will use their tactics to convince you to buy. Indeed, you are not being charged to look.

You can also get your hair, nails and eyebrows done right in the heart of downtown, right on Princess Street. This is where all the fashionistas are and you will recognize them as soon as you see them. Not simply because you will see the service being rendered, but mainly because of the lighter complexion, colourful, complex hairstyles and long eyeslashes and painted nails of these service providers.


Then there is the language fuelled by their strong Kingstonian accent. When a foreigner visits Jamaica, we are often fascinated with the strong Jamaican accent. I remember when I was in high school on the small island of St.Vincent, we were told that we were going to have a Jamaican Literature teacher. We were all excited as Jamaica has some wonderful short stories that we simply loved, but when we were introduce to the teacher and she addressed us, she quickly saw our disappointment. She explained that she was from uptown Jamaica and the people there had a different accent. It was the first time, I learnt about uptown and downtown, but for certain, I was disappointed. That was not a Jamaican accent! Imagine my excitement when I visited downtown Jamaica and I listen to the stress in the names and the words as the downtown Kingstonians speak to each other. I will listen to the men talk and it intrigues me...Soon Forward, Soon Come, eeeeeee, ah that me ah pree, Yea Mon, likkle more. To many Jamaicans, this is normal and they may even avoid it as they rise to high society. However, to foreigners like myself, this is true 'Jamaicanness'. It marks the uniqueness of the Jamaicans from others simply through language. It is a product for tourism development as while some may not understand what is being said, they are still fascinated by the Jamaican language. It is strange the little things that are at times taken for granted.

An article like this can never really appreciate the beauty of downtown Kingstown, which is also illustrated in the rich cultural heritage seen in the buildings. So to give you a little glimpse, this article is also fill with pictures and  a shortvideo that I took while in downtown this Christmas season.

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Humbly rose from Poverty to Doctorate

I stood in the audience on my graduation day and for the first time, my eyes welled up with tears as the whole auditorium applauded and shouted words of congratulations to persons they did not know or might not have seen before. For the first time, it was impressed upon me the meaning and size of my accomplishment. I am Dr. Rose-Ann Smith. I never thought that I would have gotten this far, but I had to for  myself and my family. I wish to share my story to you and really do hope that it will encourage someone to press towards their dreams.

I grew up in the small village of La Croix in Mesopotamia Valley in a home to a father who was an alcoholic, but a good father to us. His last name is Diamond, but it in no way suggests  'riches'. After all, my memories served to remind me of the one bedroom house in which myself and brothers grew up with the outdoor wattle and daub kitchen and outside bathroom and toilet, otherwise called a latrine. Later, that home became a two bedroom and we had what was called a 'hall'. I later learnt that the proper name for it was a living room, but then it would seem that only the rich had living room and country people who were mostly poor, had a hall. We did not have light or water so we had to 'droge' water from a stand pipe and a kerosene lamp, candles or a flambo served as light in the night. My mom sold food crops in the market, then she worked at a hotel to clean rooms and make up bed and later as a cook. My life was simple, but for most parts I was contented and outside of the impact of the alcohol that my father drank regularly, I believe that we were happy.

When I looked at my family, I saw and felt the struggle. There were single parents finding it hard to support their kids, but they tried. I saw alcoholics, gamblers, ganja smokers etc etc. Some viewed us as thieves but for most, we were poor people who will not amount to nothing. It appeared as if all our parents and grandparents were uneducated. However, when I listened to stories about my family, I realized that we weren't dumb. Instead, poverty had prevented all our parents from reaching beyond primary school. Sometimes they had to stay away from school to work on the farm or only go to school half day. Roast grindy and sugar water was breakfast or lunch for some. I looked and see how the impact of being poor was trickling down to my cousins. They were dropping out of school. They lack motivation and drive and who can be motivated on a hungry belly. I remembered seeing family members eating boiled banana and butter for lunch/dinner because that was all that can be afforded. I never went hungry, but I remember having to borrow money to buy chicken or to go to school. When I heard people saying, even today, they do not eat chicken back, I do not comment. Rather, I can only thank God for the little protein I got from it growing up, and reminisced on how sweet it was in pelau or stewed down with some roast breadfruit. Yes, chicken back was dog food for some, but it was quite a popular meat in our house. Will I eat it again? Of course and proudly too.

Today, I look at my family and I am proud. Our past is not our present. I am proud because a generation rose up that wanted something different and we were supported by a family who wanted differently for their kids. I am proud of those who learnt a skill even though they did not get their subjects. I am proud of those who finished with their many subjects and who decide to rise beyond. I am proud to be the first to attend university and the first Doctor of Philosophy in my family, to witness the first Attorney-at-law in my family, Saskia Diamond. I am proud to have my cousin Dominique George studying medicine and a brother doing his bachelors in Social Studies Education. I am proud to see both of my brothers becoming great musicians. I still get goosebumps when my younger brother, Brent Williams sings and I am amazed at his lyrical skills. They never went to a music school, but taught themselves to play many instruments. I am proud of the police officers, pastors, coast guard workers, government workers, carpenters, masons etc etc. But most of all, I am proud because when I looked at the crop of us who succeed and is succeeding, I realized that we have all put God first. Let us continue to pave the way of success for our family. Dream BIG!!! Let us not pull down or look down on another, but let us motivate each other. Let us not be selfish in our acts, but live lovingly with each other, edifying our brothers and sisters above ourselves. Let us continue to pray for each other, especially the younger ones who are just getting started in daycare and primary school. Remember always the distance from whence we came and in every thing, let us give thanks to the Most High God. We are Diamonds, Williams and Catos and We are out to make a difference for our families and with our families.

HARD SKILLS VERSUS SOFT SKILLS IN THE WORK PLACE

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When you begin to seriously job hunt, you will hear talk about two sets of skills. These you will definitely identify during the interviews with sometimes the interviewers being more interested in who you are other than what you have accomplished academically. Soft skills goes beyond your academic accomplishments. It is about interpersonal skills which are important in your interaction with others.

At the beginning, this was strange to me. You have the skills for the job so what is the big deal with these soft skills? I have learnt overtime the significance of these soft skills. Firstly, there are so many persons competing with high degrees that you need something to give you the edge. However, it is more than just getting that edge.

As a business owner, you want to see your business grow. You want an environment that will encourage customers. You need people who will make your customers feel welcome and not drive them away with their snobbishness. Have you ever gone into an organization, where you feel like you are being ignored even though the person at the front desk stares you right in your face from time to time or it appears that they have to finish their conversation with their friends whether on the phone or in front of your face before they finally ask how they can help? How about the way they address you after they finally engage you, as if you are a bother and it is not their job?

Outside of this, a business/organization leader needs a team that works well with each other. If they don't, you will spend time trying to manage those issues, precious time that you could have spent investing in making your business more profitable. Even the leader himself needs those soft skills to lead. Who wants a person who talks down to them? Every time you see them you are on egg shells, not out of respect, but fear. Have you ever spoken to anyone who after they finish, you feel like if you can move mountains and you are ready to accomplish the goals of the organization? How about the opposite...a person whose very presence depresses you and by the time they finish speaking you are angered, hurt, just want to go home and never come back, but you just have to because you need the money. In the latter, persons are working, but the organization is not growing and if it does, it is slower than the pace it could have been, had there been a better working relationship amongst the team.

Hard skills are easier to accomplish and sometimes people beat their chests having accomplish these, but they can can never be great leaders until they master the soft skills. According to Investopedia, hard skills are learned and perfected over time, while soft skills are harder to acquire and even change. This is because the soft skills has to do with who we are which determines how we interact with others, rather than what we know. Anyone can acquire the hard skills and maybe even better than you have, but those soft skills is about your PERSONALITY.

So if you are playing a major part in any organization or maybe even a minor part, but some how it appears as if no one likes you, everyone has something negative to say about you and clearly do not want to work with you, assess your soft skills. How well do you work with others and engage people? Is it all about you or are you also interested in them, what they have to say, the role they are playing etc etc While the problem may be them just teaming up against you,  it might just be linked to your interpersonal skills which are yet to be developed. Soft skills are just as important and may be even more important, in some cases, than your hard skills.

Marriage Survival

Source: http://creativetryals.blogspot.com/2014/07/happiness-is-homemade-marriage-survival.html

A few days ago, my husband and I attended our church couple's ministry. It is a ministry I hold close to my heart because I see it as being very significant for married couples and thus far it has opened my eyes to several things. I like that the fact that our couples are open and even as each shares about their marriage (the good and the bad), they are happy in their marriage and they are on a quest to see their marriage last forever. This is important.

I often asked how is that a person can be with each other for years and within a year of marriage they are divorced? How is it that can people can  divorce only after one year of marriage? It is clear that there are many underlying factors resulting in this, some of which may be present even before the wedding took place. However, what I learnt recently in the couple's ministry meeting is that marriage takes work and it takes investment. Those were the words of my pastor as we planned our annual couple's retreat and it starts at the very beginning. The persons whose marriages have lasted 25 and 40 years and have gone all the way to until death do us part, their marriages was not without their problems, stress and sacrifices.

I have learnt that you can have endless love for each other, but still divorce and even when commitment may be present, you can be unhappy. Situations/problems at times take a toll especially after a child/children are born. You are so much into your work and by the time you get home, you are either too tired or you are spending time with the kids, but no time for each other because as adults we feel we can survive. After all, we love each other. Although I am no expert, it is clear to me that if you want your marriage to work, you have to invest time and money in it.

Time for intimacy- Not simply time for SEX, but time to connect on a spiritual, social, emotional level. This may involve simply cuddling and talking. It may involve giving nice massages to each other. This is an alone time so children cannot interrupt. Hence, you might have to wait until they fall asleep, leave them by some grandparents, have a nanny look after them or at times, you may need to do this outside your home for example at a hotel (hence the money). What activities do we often plan to keep our marriages alive?

Time for Planning- Where do you see yourselves as a couple 5 years from now? How do you intend to get there? What sacrifices or investments will be involved?

Time for Forgiveness- Sometimes we cannot move on because we cannot forgive. For some, forgiveness can only happen if we move out (divorce).

Time to Focus- This is something I practice in my marriage especially if I get angry. I have never ever spoken to my husband at the point in time when I am angry at him. For one thing, a lot of times too many negative thoughts are going through my mind of all the words I can use to hurt. It is during heated arguments stirred by anger that persons say things that they often regret and also do not mean, but simply saying them to get under each other's skin. Still words hurt and at times, they sink in and remain with us for years. You remember when you say this or that? So what I do is focus. Why am I angry? Should I be angry? Is it too petty? Can I or should overlook this? During this time, I also reflect on all the ways he has been good to me and how many times her has done something to anger me (something I picked up from one of Tyler Perry's movies :)). But it works for me. At the end, I always smile because I have a great man in my life who has done more to make me happy than he has ever done to upset me. I pray that this continues :). Then I am ready to talk and express to him in cool words, why I am angry and all of the time, thus far, we resolved whatever and move on in our wonderful marriage.