How to please your man?

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I wrote recently on "How to please your wives?" and so it would be very remiss of me if I leave you the gentlemen. After all how husbands have needs to and in building a strong relationship, we must strike a balance. There are some relationships where one party is always giving and the other receiving. Eventually those will die. There are some females who believe that the purpose of the man is to give, give and give again to them and yet, at times, these very same woman and the ones who are selfish and quick to get upset or leave if ever he forgets a birthday or an anniversary. So ladies, if you want to keep your man happy, here are a few pointers. I had to solicit the help of my husband for this so this not purely from a woman's perspective.

• Respect him- Now this may seem not to be a big deal to many, but it is a huge deal for a man. As ladies, we demand respect, but respect for a man goes even deeper. If a man embarrasses a lady in front of her friends (not good), somehow the lady gets over it quicker and may even react differently than if it is the other way around. Do not speak down to him.I witnessed some women publicly embarrassed their spouse, who in reacting, look like when someone throw water on a dog and it ran away, all wet with his tail between it legs. Other men may lash out in defense though they are not usually like that. A man is a man. Let him feel like one. 

• Feed him- Yes feed him! I am quite traditional. Though I have recognized the changes in society as it relates to career women (I myself being a career wife), and the added responsibilities  that might require one to hire a helper, ensure that you still take care of your husbands by ensuring that he is fed, gets the right nutrition and is good health. You may say, that is not my responsibility. You married him because, hopefully, you love and care for him. Part of caring for him includes checking up on him. Have you eaten babes? What you eat today? From time to time, cook a warm breakfast or dinner.

• Give him Space- My husband and I were at a couple's ministry seminar sometime last year when it was expressed the importance of space for a man. According to the presenter, a wife might noticed their husband seated silently and may ask, "What are you thinking?" and his response is "nothing". We cannot understand that. How can you not be thinking about something? As women, we are always thinking about something. All of us wives were laughing and the men were nodding in agreement with the presenter. For the first time, I realized, as the presenter stated, that men have a 'nothing box' where they will just go at times, and to witness the men nodding and shouting yes in agreement emphasized the validity of what was said. So wives, let us allow our husbands to escape to that "nothing box" from time to time.

• Stop the nagging- I hear some women nagged and I myself get tired hearing their voice. The bible compares a nagging wife to an endless dripping on a rainy day. In our Caribbean colloquial expression, we may say drizzle rain....the rain just ah drizzle, drizzle like it making up its mind whether to come or not. If you have somewhere to go or trying to get home, but no umbrella, that sometimes upset us. I have heard people said, "rain mek (make) up your mind nah...either you are coming or you are not". The bible further states that it is better for a man to live in a desert or in a corner in the ROOF of a house than to live with a quarrelsome, nagging wife. Now, not all believe in the bible, but you may live with a nagging wife and can attest. It is very disturbing like a mosquito in your ear. Women, need I say more.

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• Be Spontaneous with little, creative gifts- I love massages, God knows, but my husband, even though he does not request it as much as I do, love them too. That is one little gift we can give. Take his big foot (BIG Feet are good) into your hands and give him a foot massage or give him a pedicure or a back massage. 

• Wives, fix up yourselves. There are many wives who no longer feel they need to look good especially if the man does not complain. In our dating lives, everything was on point. Now we are married and we are letting ourselves go. Hair messed up, clothes tear up, huge 'bingo bag' panties that sometimes have little tear here and there, some big long nighties as if to say 'nothing nah gwarn(is not going to happen) tonight or any other night' and so on. We are quick to use the responsibility of our children as an excuse for everything. Remember when they are grown and gone, it is still you and your husband. I always look at Michelle Obama and her husband. Indeed, they are public figures, but in my heart, I say to myself. she makes her husband looks good and he must be proud to have her as a wife. Now, I know many 'independent' woman out there will say, "do it for yourself and not for any man". True, that is always a good start, but many women couldn't care less about themselves so think about your husbands. Make them look good in public and happy in private.

• Sex, sex and more sex- I deliberately leave this for last because often times we think this is all our husbands need and it is enough and yet some of us failed to give them enough. Now wives, I am aware that we are not always in the mood, but there are times when need to get into the mood for the benefit of our husbands. They are not like us. As much as we love sex, some of us can go weeks without and it does not bother us. Our husbands are different and we cannot forget that. So if there is a headache, do not use it as an excuse. Instead, use the sex medication. We too should also be responsible for spicing things up. Often times, in our heads, we imagine coming home to rose petals leading to a warm bath or rose-petaled bed with red wine poured into glass. The man may imagine that too, but even if he doesn't, put on that sexy lingerie and let him come home to something different once in a while. Take the initiative also. We can make the advancement too. Do not always wait on him to touch you, kiss you up and get things in motion. Take charge sometimes.

Men, feel free to comment on other things we can do. I am sure the list is not exhausted. It would be nice to hear from you. Ladies, you can also let me know what you have done for your significant other that he appreciates.

Women Love Sex Too!

As I continue my series on Healthy, Happy Marriages, I believe the topic 'Women Love Sex Too' is quite appropriate and relevant. On Valentines eve, at my church Couples Huddle, which is a dinner put on each year by our couple's ministry, the importance of sex in a relationship and the reminder that men should remember that the pleasure was also for women was again reiterated. As the place roared in laughter at the very entertaining speech by the guest speaker, who was 69 years old and got married for the first time at age 58, I looked around at the many couples present. I looked at the blushes on some faces, the excitement in others and the wondering look of some who seem to be still wondering whether sex should ever be discussed or even mentioned by church people. For the majority of us however, we welcome that in trying to rekindle that fire, intimacy and sex is part of it and so I want the male spouses to know that we love sex too.

Husbands, we are not only here to give pleasure. We want to receive it too.So do not think sex finishes when you ejaculate. At that time we might just be getting started. DO NOT BE SELFISH! Spend some time caressing whatever will carry us to the point that you have reached. If you do not know where or what to caress, then their lies a huge problem. Figure that out first. Yes, we know, sometimes it might appear as if we will never get there, but try. Do not be like Courtney Walsh, drawing on the words of the Guest Speaker's 72 years old husband, who just want to make one big SIX, does not examine the field and often times get out before we meet the winning score. The latter being my words. Rather, be like Brian Lara. Do I need to explain? Examine the field and place the ball in the area that will give you optimum runs, and prevents you from getting bowled out. Sixes and fours are good, but slowing down for the one and two runs are also good too. At this time, I am remember Jimmy Adams, but we do not want it to be to drawn out without no runs. We also know Lara was known for breaking and setting records and at the end, all fans were happy.

Now the worse thing than not having any sex, is having unsatisfactory sex. 

Warnings:

• A woman should never just be there waiting for you to finish so they could go to sleep. There are times we really are not in the mood, but if you push us into having sex, at least try to get us in the mood and I KNOW this is possible.

• Unsatisfactory sex can leave a woman more stressed out than having no sex at all. I have read several articles on the benefits of sex and one that always pop is that sex helps to reduce stress. Now I beg to differ. GOOD sex reduces stress. If at the end, you are ready to turn over and sleep and we are still bottled up with energy and emotions that were on the verge of exploding, but for some reason  never happened, then it can be extremely frustrating and the good rest that good sex often brings will not happen.

WIVES as a point of Order...Sometimes you need to TALK. Do not just settle for giving, but not receiving and carry yourself around haggard and frustrated because of penned up energy that is weighing you down. Sometimes, the husbands just may not know and think all is well and in TALKIMG, assisting them in finding out the areas that gets you going. Lastly, STOP PRETENDING. Some of you pretend too much and fool the men. They cannot learn if we behave like if, while in the act, he is doing an excellent job when in your mind you are not having fun.

I am not going to downplay the importance of sex in a marriage and therefore we must realize that for us to enjoy our sexual lives, both partners must be enjoying this intimacy.

Spice up your Marriage with Creative Gifts: My Valentines Gift from my Husband

In many relationships, specific occasions such as valentines, birthdays and anniversaries are marked by the gifts given from one spouse to another. The seriousness of this is that at times, if the day is forgotten, it can create conflict between the spouses. I believe that these days, more so birthdays and anniversaries are sacred and should be celebrated. However, my focus today is not so much on the days, but what is given on the day.

Often times, traditional gifts such as flowers, chocolates, perfumes, lingerie. jewelries,  and teddy bears are gifts some spouses receive. These are lovely gifts, but can be very costly. You may say you know the day approaching so put some money aside. That may be true, but one must always remember your household resources. Your husband may not always be able to give you as expensive a gift as Jack give to his wife Jill, but the gift may just as be as nice. Apart from that, I love a creative man.

I am a simple person and while I enjoy an occasional going out, I can have just as much fun renting a movie, popping some corn and having it with Pepsi under a sheet on a couch. This Valentines I smiled my faced off with the gift my husband offered. The decision was made not to spend on any valentines gift, especially since his birthday was in the same month. We had to be creative.

I decided that I am going to capture our history with pictures in a journal we bought at the very beginning of our marriage. Now we bought this journal and decided that whenever we feel like, we will take it up and right something to each other. He has written a poem for me and other love notes and I have written numerous things, but sadly, we often neglect to write. Still I shared my love to him with pics in the journal on valentines day, but it could not compare to his gift. He created tangible, affordable activities on a piece of paper!

His offered me a gift certificate that he used a letter size paper to do. I could not careless about the paper or his artistic skills, because what was on it had me smiling my face off and show that he was thinking about my happiness. So below are some pics I have taken of it and these are what were written, in no particular order. You will notice that he was very considerate of my needs.

• MASSAGE with no benefits. Valid for 3 uses. Now I loveeeeee massages and my husband has been doing this quite regularly, but with benefits so the no benefits part is important
• FREE PASS- Decline any sexual advance made. Valid for 3 uses. I do not normally find excuses but this is a good one to have. What do you think?
• SATISFY ME- Get your own way sexually. Full attention to your details. Valid...No Expiration lol.....Interesting that this has no expiration huh? 
• LAZY DAY- Pass any chores and put your foot up. Valid for 3 uses. Now we share chores in our home, but here I have an opportunity to decide not to cook, wash or clean. Thank you Lord!!!
• ALONE TIME- Get your own space to rejuvenate. Valid for 3 uses. If/When you have a child, you will understand how important this is.

To the SWEETEST MAN I know with love.

Dedicated to my husband.

How to please your wives?

It is generally felt that  men cannot understand women. It is argued that we are complex, we drop hints instead of just saying what is on our minds and that we have terrible mood swings. All these I believe are quite true because I have met and spoken to women who, even I find hard to understand. I however wish to address the things that men can do to please us.

There are some men out there who are complicated by their own laziness. They do not even try or want to so that even if we plaster what we want on our faces, they will still ignore it because they lack the desire to please. The saddest part of any marriage is when one partner is working very hard for the betterment of their marriage and the other one is just laid back and believe that bringing in the money is enough. Some of the upsetting statements they can make during this time are, 'You should be happy', 'Some women/men well want what you have'. Truly, there are women/men out there who always desire what you have without really taking the time out to examine it. All that glitters is not gold.

So men, if you want to please us and have a happy marriage, here are just a few pointers on the things that makes us happy:

• Help with the kids- No one can truly understand how burdensome raising children is until you have. It has nothing to do with the love for your kids. In fact, you love them to death, but it is not easy. Raising a child is a two parent job so when all the responsibility falls on only one parent,  that parent may become highly frustrated if they cannot find time for themselves. I only have one child whom I love dearly and after I left work tired, I still have to give her mommy time and I am super grateful to my good husband who helps out tremendously. There are times when she only wants me and I have things to do or I just need a little breather. Do you know where I escape to? The bathroom, and I have to lock the door, but even there, I cannot escape because she will find me and knocked the door while shouting mommy until I open it. Again, I only have one child. Yet, my date life is practical nil because family is not close and money not 'tun up' to allow me to hire a baby sitter in the night when I am already paying for one in the day. So again, men you need to recognize this and help out.
• Dates and surprises do not end with marriage- It is very hard if, during courting, you use to go out pretty often or often enough to feel satisfy, but then you get married and it cuts down a little, then there and kids and everything ends to the point that sometimes even your anniversary is forgotten. There are some men who becomes so caught up in career and education that they forget they have a wife at home and they seemingly believe that their wife should only find happiness in the lovely home that they have provided with the lovely kids that they have given. They no longer take you out nor do they attempt to plan a little surprise. Instead, they work long hours, come home expecting food and sex and think that all is well. Wake up! Time to spice up the marriage.
• Help out with the domestic chores. Now some men believe that the wife's role is in the home. Maybe this was so in traditional times, but time has changed. The little pocket money some jobs give as salary cannot pay bills and take care of the home, so it needs pocket money from two persons to run things. In other words, both the husband and wife are working and so when you come home tired, do not assume that your wife has done less work at her job and so can take on another. Pull your weight. If I am cooking, maybe you can help prepared the juice or the vegetables or bathe the kids. Why should a woman finish cooking, share the dinner for you and still have to get the kids ready for bed? In addition to this, you know how hard wrenching it is for a woman to be at work all day return to her home and the husband who was home all day, did not pick up a broom or put on a pot. Now we ladies know that if we have a day off, we are not only cooking, but cleaning and washing on top of that. Sometimes, there is not even any time to sit down and watch a movie, because we just cannot sit in a dirty home, but a man can be home all day and all he needs is a remote, sports channels and some dry food. Another little thing I appreciate about my husband, is if he is home, even if he does not cook, he might have folded the clothes and clean the house and he does cook at times. It is those little things that please us. 
• Compliment us and say little words of appreciation from time to time- We are not asking you to habitually say I love you so much so that it comes like a ritual, but from time to time say something positive. Sometimes, you may look at a man and he appears to be aging like fine wine, while we are struggling with body images especially after giving birth. Fat might be poking out from places that were once slender and smooth. This by itself might not be such a big deal, but when coupled with not going out, working in a job and at home, having a husband who is hardly home and seem not to appreciate all you do, then that is grievous.
• Listen and Act- I leave this one for last because I know there are many wives who are very strong willed and super argumentative and do not listen, but we have men who also do not listen. They may act as if you have nothing of worth to say and may even use the fact that you are strong willed as their defense. I always say to people that my husband has the final say, but I also appreciate the fact that the final say at times end with him agreeing with me because he listens to reason. He does not make any decision without including me. We will discuss and at the end, he makes a  reasonable decision. When a man does not listen and his wife has no input in any decision, it is as if you do not have any worth beyond a certain point.

Let me end by saying, there is a difference between contentment and happiness even though they are times used synonymously. I however see contentment as being satisfied and believe that you can be satisfied with your life, maybe because you have wonderful children, a nice home and your bills are paid, but unhappy because you are still lonely within your marriage, you feel as if you are just going through the motions and you think you have missed out or are missing out on the finer things in life. Notwithstanding, there are times when the husband has nothing to do with how a wife may feel and cannot stop them if they want a divorce. However, husbands where you can do more, do it. A simple question that you can ask yourself, as corny as it is, what if the shoes were on the other feet, how would I feel? In other words, put yourself in your wife's shoes. 

Marriage Survival

Source: http://creativetryals.blogspot.com/2014/07/happiness-is-homemade-marriage-survival.html

A few days ago, my husband and I attended our church couple's ministry. It is a ministry I hold close to my heart because I see it as being very significant for married couples and thus far it has opened my eyes to several things. I like that the fact that our couples are open and even as each shares about their marriage (the good and the bad), they are happy in their marriage and they are on a quest to see their marriage last forever. This is important.

I often asked how is that a person can be with each other for years and within a year of marriage they are divorced? How is it that can people can  divorce only after one year of marriage? It is clear that there are many underlying factors resulting in this, some of which may be present even before the wedding took place. However, what I learnt recently in the couple's ministry meeting is that marriage takes work and it takes investment. Those were the words of my pastor as we planned our annual couple's retreat and it starts at the very beginning. The persons whose marriages have lasted 25 and 40 years and have gone all the way to until death do us part, their marriages was not without their problems, stress and sacrifices.

I have learnt that you can have endless love for each other, but still divorce and even when commitment may be present, you can be unhappy. Situations/problems at times take a toll especially after a child/children are born. You are so much into your work and by the time you get home, you are either too tired or you are spending time with the kids, but no time for each other because as adults we feel we can survive. After all, we love each other. Although I am no expert, it is clear to me that if you want your marriage to work, you have to invest time and money in it.

Time for intimacy- Not simply time for SEX, but time to connect on a spiritual, social, emotional level. This may involve simply cuddling and talking. It may involve giving nice massages to each other. This is an alone time so children cannot interrupt. Hence, you might have to wait until they fall asleep, leave them by some grandparents, have a nanny look after them or at times, you may need to do this outside your home for example at a hotel (hence the money). What activities do we often plan to keep our marriages alive?

Time for Planning- Where do you see yourselves as a couple 5 years from now? How do you intend to get there? What sacrifices or investments will be involved?

Time for Forgiveness- Sometimes we cannot move on because we cannot forgive. For some, forgiveness can only happen if we move out (divorce).

Time to Focus- This is something I practice in my marriage especially if I get angry. I have never ever spoken to my husband at the point in time when I am angry at him. For one thing, a lot of times too many negative thoughts are going through my mind of all the words I can use to hurt. It is during heated arguments stirred by anger that persons say things that they often regret and also do not mean, but simply saying them to get under each other's skin. Still words hurt and at times, they sink in and remain with us for years. You remember when you say this or that? So what I do is focus. Why am I angry? Should I be angry? Is it too petty? Can I or should overlook this? During this time, I also reflect on all the ways he has been good to me and how many times her has done something to anger me (something I picked up from one of Tyler Perry's movies :)). But it works for me. At the end, I always smile because I have a great man in my life who has done more to make me happy than he has ever done to upset me. I pray that this continues :). Then I am ready to talk and express to him in cool words, why I am angry and all of the time, thus far, we resolved whatever and move on in our wonderful marriage.